From the Present: 

Okay, crack was not actually our substance of choice. But candy was like crack to us. The only thing that pained my mother more than seeing kittens set on fire was seeing her children eat candy. Candy was essentially completely banned in our house. At the time, my siblings and I all found this to be rather hypocritical. Because my mom had overindulged in candy in her reckless, candy filled youth, in her adult life she developed a condition called hypoglycemia, which is a fancy medical term that means you can’t eat candy or cake. To us at the time it seemed more likely that our mother withheld candy from us not for our health, but as a way of expressing her frustration at not being able to eat candy. A IFICAN’THAVECANDYNOONEWILL!!! type thing.

As children my brothers’ and my behavior towards candy was similar to the behavior of a crack addict.

Take my little brother Tyler. Tyler was constantly discovered behind the couch of our living room stuffing his face with candy. Where did he get it? We have no idea, but an addict always finds a way to score. Often we would find candy wrappers stashed in odd locations throughout the house and his room, proof of Tyler’s addiction. My older brother Aaron and I knew better, we threw our wrappers away instead of leaving evidence all over the place. But an addict doesn’t think straight.

Tyler also had a ziplock bag of “Smellers.” “Smellers” were candy wrappers that Tyler kept around when he couldn’t get a fix of the real stuff. If he couldn’t have candy, he’d sit for hours smelling the candy scented wrappers. Tyler was also found once underneath the bleachers at a stadium pealing off second-hand gum and shoving it into his mouth. When he was busted by my mom, his wad of used gum was mango sized, which is pretty disgusting. It’s actually VERY disgusting. 50% of people reading this will gag. 10% will puke on their keyboard. 2% will send me an angry email demanding that I replace their broken computer. 0% will get a reply.

Gross as it was, that’s just how we rolled. We were candy addicts and we’d do anything to score some of that sweet stuff. Oh sweet Skittles…please speak to us again…

From the Past: 

September 14th, 1996 – Age 11

Today was great. I went to the parade and got a candy stash. 

From the Present: 

If we were to translate this into adult speak, what I was essentially saying was: Today was awesome. I went to a crack house and got some crack. 

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