From the Present:

Advice to my eight your old self, “Grab life by the balls and stop making yourself out to be such a martyr. Maybe the reason Jessica likes stupid, suck-faced Kyle instead of you is because you are a little whiny pants.”

If I spoke French back then I certainly would have walk into the woods on a cloudless night and lamented to the moon, “Porqua la vie est trey dificil! C’est la vie, c’est la amour!”

But I didn’t speak French. Instead, I spoke some sort of emo eight year old language.

Here’s what we were dealing with back then:

From the Past:

April 30th, 1994 – Age 8

Dear diary, there’s good news and bad good news. We had a surprise party for Angie and the S—rt’s came over. Here comes the bad news. Jessica said, “When I get a diary the first think I’ll write is I went to school and there’s a kid in 3rd grade I like. I’ll tell you the name next week.”

Not one word about me! ):

From the Present:

One positive thing about this is it proves I was a pioneer. I had mastered the sad face emoticon even before Al Gore invented the internet.

But back to me being a little whiny pants. I would ask my eight-year-old self, “Why don’t you cry about it.” But I probably did.

The crossed out parts in my journal entry are when a year later I went back in time and changed the past. Something I thought I could do when I was nine years old. Because when you are young enough to believe that Santa and magic toilet trolls exist, you see nothing wrong with going back and editing your journal to change the past.

Actually, this is not just child’s play. Adults do this every day.

Actually, I guess I totally did not have sexual relations with that woman.

And of course, this infamous reworking of known facts:

Hmmm, I'll tell people that I was not really spawned from toilet trolls.

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