From the Present:

If I could go back in time and meet anyone, I would go back to late 2000 and tell Savage Garden not to split up. “Stop thinking about yourself for thirty seconds  you selfish ratfinks!” I would tell them.

(Ratfink is the word you find when you try to keep things clean and use a thesaurus to find an appropriate substitute for the word “bastard.”)

Now, if I could go back in time twice, and meet two people, I would go back to May 16^th, 1994 and tell my eight-year-old self to calm the F down and enjoy his childhood. “You are far too young to be getting hung up on girls,” I would tell him. “You’re eight fricken years old! Trust me little buddy, you have the whole rest of your life to worry about girls. You should be out rabble-rousing—out throwing water balloons at cars, snorting Pixie Sticks and shoving unwanted insects into your classmate’s pants.”

But if the me of back then was anything like the me of today, he probably would not have listened to my advice anyways. If we take a trip back in time, we find that even 18 years ago girls were using their magic girl powers to mess with my mind.

From the Past:

May 16^th, 1994 – Age 8

I woke up, went to school. At recess I played on the tire swing with Jessica. We talked about my diary. I have everything but Jessica. ):

From the Present:

“I have everything but Jessica?” Come on eight year old me! You have your whole life in front of you. You don’t need Jessica. Stop moping around and go play kickball or foursquare. And not the creepy four square of today that stalkers use to know where you are, but the original four square where you had to throw a ball into four squares.  If only Damien Rice was writing music back then. Then I would have had something to help me deal with my unrequited love.

But back then it was worse because Damien Rice was not doing this:

He was probably  doing this:

"One day, I'm going to write songs that people will listen to after a horrible breakup"

And how did anyone deal with un-requited love without the help of Damien Rice?